drinky
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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DRINKY CROW - "DRANKY CROW"
EXT. A GRASSY MEADOW - DAY
DRINKY CROW IS LAYING PRONE IN THE MEADOW, GLUGGING DOWN A
BOTTLE OF BOOZE.
HE CONTINUES TO GLUG.
THE BOTTLE FALLS OUT OF HIS MOUTH, HIS MOUTH YAWNS OPEN.
DRINKY CROW HICCUPS A VOMITY NOISE AND HIS MOUTH FILLS WITH
VOMIT.
HE CHOKES ON THE VOMIT, HIS BODY CONVULSING, AND HIS EYES
TURN TO X'S.
A LITTLE TRICKLE OF BLOOD POURS OUT OF HIS ANUS AND POOLS
AROUND HIM.
TITLE CREDITS
EXT. A SMALL SKIFF - DAY
DRINKY CROW AND THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER ARE ALONE IN THE
SKIFF.
DRINKY CROW
Thank's for coming out with me
Captain's Daughter, I needed a
sympathetic ear.
THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER IS PUTTING A CIGARETTE OUT IN THE EYE
OF A SMALL SQUID.
THE SQUID SCREAMS, AND SHE THROWS IT OVERBOARD.
CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER
Did you say something?
DRINKY CROW
I said I needed a sympathetic ear.
THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER IS TATTOOING THE WORD "ANTIPATHY" ONTO
THE BACK OF A SHAVEN RABBIT.
CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER
What was that?
SHE THROWS AWAY THE RABBIT.
DRINKY CROW
I've decided to give up drinking. It
doesn't seem to make things better,
and it doesn't seem to help me forget
that things are worse. I think with
understanding people like yourself
around I'll be able to overcome the
monkey on my back, and get my life
back on track. Captain's daughter?
Captain's daughter?
DRINKY CROW LOOKS UP AND SEES THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER BACK ON
THE SHIP.
CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER
Hey Drinky Crow, I got bored of
listening to you, so I went back to
the ship to get something to cut you
with.
DRINKY CROW
You're the only person who understands
me.
THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER THROWS A KNIFE AT DRINKY CROW AND IT
SEVERS HIS RIGHT WING. BLOOD SHOOTS OUT.
THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER GIGGLES.
EXT. THE PIRATE SHIP - EVENING
UNCLE GABBY AND DRINKY CROW ARE STANDING ON THE PROW OF THE
SHIP.
UNCLE GABBY
This is an insufferable conclusion
Drinky Crow! You think your life is
going to get better without booze?
There's no such thing as better. Life
is a neverending stream of miseries.
Happiness, pleasure, and beauty are an
illusion.
DRINKY CROW
Then what about that sunset?
DRINKY CROW POINTS OUT THE SETTING SUN.
UNCLE GABBY
That's not a sunset, the sky is just
red because rebels have set fire to a
neighboring village to take control of
it.
IN THE DISTANCE THE FIRE BURNS.
DRINKY CROW
Well what about the beautiful necklace
the captain gave his daughter?
THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER SHOWS OFF HER NECKLACE.
UNCLE GABBY
The diamonds on it were mined by
slaves, their backs broken and their
fingernails cracked from the toil.
TIRED, SNOW-DRIVEN MONGOLIANS MARCH IN THE CENTER DIAMOND,
WHIPPED BY THEIR CRUEL MASTERS.
DRINKY CROW
Well what about marshmallows?
DRINKY CROW HOLDS UP A MARSHMALLOW.
UNCLE GABBY
Marshmallows have sucrose.
THE MARSHMALLOW LAUGHS AN EVIL LAUGH.
DRINKY CROW
Or puppies!?
DRINKY CROW HOLDS UP A GIANT EYED PUPPY.
UNCLE GABBY
Puppies secretly run the West Indian
Slave Trade!
THE PUPPY IS HOLDING A LEASH THAT LEADS TO A MALNOURISHED,
SOILED AFRICAN FAMILY. ONE OF THEM COUGHS AND FALLS OVER.
DRINKY CROW
Enough! I'm standing by my resolution!
DRINKY CROW THROWS HIS BOOZE BOTTLE, IT SMASHES AGAINST THE
SIDE OF THE SHIP.
THEN HE FLIES OFF.
UNCLE GABBY
You'll regret this Drinky Crow! You'll
be just as unhappy, except you won't
be dizzy! And sleeping in till 3 in
the afternoon will be more difficult
sober!
EXT. THE OPEN SEA - DAY
DRINKY CROW IS FLYING SLOWLY, SWEATING, DIZZY.
DRINKY CROW
Mouth so dry, brain so unclouded.
Can't stand the awful awareness of
what's happening around me. Uncle
Gabby was right, everything is
horrors.
BELOW DRINKY CROW, A GROUP OF SMILING DOLPHINS MOVE INTO A
PEACE SIGN FORMATION TO CHEER HIM UP.
DRINKY CROW (CONT'D)
Even those dolphins below are making
fun of the size of my feet.
THE DOLPHINS FROWN.
DRINKY CROW FLIES AWAY.
DOLPHIN 1
Drinky Crow wait! We were showing you
we loved you!
DOLPHIN 2
That's not your foot, that's a peace
sign!
DOLPHIN 3
I was making fun of his feet...
ALL THE DOLPHINS TURN AT LOOK AT DOLPHIN 3.
DOLPHIN 3 (CONT'D)
What? Fine, I'm a bad dolphin.
INT. THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER'S QUARTERS - DAY
UNCLE GABBY IS SITTING ON THE SIDE OF THE CAPTAIN'S
DAUGHTER'S BED. HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. THE CAPTAIN'S
DAUGHTER IS STABBING HIM IN THE SHOULDERS AND THEN POURING
VINEGAR ON THE WOUNDS.
UNCLE GABBY
I'm sor
ry Captain's Daughter. I just
can't concentrate.
THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER STICKS NEEDLES IN GABBY'S LEFT EYE.
GABBY SIGHS.
UNCLE GABBY (CONT'D)
I sure hope Drinky Crow comes back. I
miss his relentless debauching. I
should never have yelled at him. What
do I do if he doesn't come back? Why,
I'll need a friend so full of booze
that he'll never try to be happy
again!
THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER REACHES INTO GABBY'S THROAT AND PULLS
OUT PILES OF ORANGE MUSH AND THROWS THEM ON THE FLOOR.
CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER
I'm pulling out all your vitamin C so
you get scurvy! React damnit, react!
UNCLE GABBY
Sorry Captain's Daughter, maybe next
time!
UNCLE GABBY WALKS OFF, RESOLUTE. HE GRABS ONE OF THE ORANGE
PILES AND PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET.
EXT. THE PIRATE SHIP - DAY
UNCLE GABBY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A PAIR OF RATS, WHO ARE
SITTING NEXT TO A BOTTLE OF BOOZE.
UNCLE GABBY
Alright you rats, booze!
THE RATS LOOK AT EACH OTHER. ONE OF THEM SNIFFS THE BOTTLE.
UNCLE GABBY (CONT'D)
I said booze damn you!
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PIRATE SHIP - DAY
UNCLE GABBY HAS SET A MINIATURE BEER PONG TABLE IN FRONT OF
THE RATS.
UNCLE GABBY
For God's sake commence to drinking!
UNCLE GABBY THROWS A PING PONG BALL DOWN AT THE RATS, IT
ROLLS BY THEM. ONE OF THEM BLINKS.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE PIRATE SHIP - NIGHT
UNCLE GABBY HAS THE TWO RATS CRADLED IN HIS ARMS AND HE'S
FEEDING THEM BOOZE OUT OF A BABY BOTTLE THAT HAS THREE X'S
ACROSS IT. THE CAPTAIN WALKS UP.
THE CAPTAIN
What are you doing Seaman?
UNCLE GABBY
Nothing out of the ordinary.
ONE OF THE RATS GRABS FOR AND SUCKLES ON GABBY'S BREAST.
THE CAPTAIN
Why do ya look so glum?
UNCLE GABBY
All the rats on the ship die too
easily of alcohol poisoning.
THE RAT UNCLE GABBY WAS FEEDING IS DEAD. HE THROWS IT
OVERBOARD.
IT SPLASHES IN THE WATER AMIDST DOZENS OF OTHER DEAD RATS HE
HAS TOSSED OVER, FLOATING BY THE BOAT.
HE BEGINS TO FEED THE OTHER ONE.
THE CAPTAIN
I know I've given this advice a
million times Gabby, but filling rats
with booze until they're dead is no
way to apologize to your friends.
UNCLE GABBY
Maybe you're right, maybe I should let
Drinky Crow make his own decisions.
When he gets back, I'm going to
apologize to him, and support him!
Say, why are you being so nice? You're
never this nice.
THE CAPTAIN
Because my teeth are as soft as jelly
from rot, and sometimes the pain is so
unbearable that I forget who I am, or
what I'm doing. Remind me to flog you
tomorrow until you forget this
conversation ever happened. In the
meanwhile let's just stand together
and watch the sunrise.
THE CAPTAIN TURNS UNCLE GABBY AND HOLDS HIM AS THEY FACE THE
RISING SUN.
UNCLE GABBY
Why did you put my hand on your
erection?
THE CAPTAIN
I need you to take away my pain.
UNCLE GABBY
I think I have an appointment
elsewhere.
THE CAPTAIN
How badly do you want to be flogged
tomorrow?
UNCLE GABBY LOOKS AT THE CAPTAIN, THEN LOOKS AWAY.
THE CAPTAIN (CONT'D)
Thatta Boy, oh yes, that a boy indeed.
UNCLE GABBY
I don't know what's worse, the pain or
the shame.
THE CAPTAIN
Oh, that's right baby, talk dirty to
me.
UNCLE GABBY SHUDDERS.
EXT. THE PIRATE SHIP - DAY
UNCLE GABBY AND THE CAPTAIN ARE PLAYING BEER PONG ON THE TINY
BEER PONG TABLE. THE CAPTAIN BLOWS A KISS AT HIM. UNCLE GABBY
LOOKS AWAY.
THERE IS A LOUD SOUND LIKE THE SEA SPLITTING OPEN.
THE CAPTAIN
What was that?
UNCLE GABBY
I'm sure it's just the wind.
A GIANT TRIDENT, AS LONG AS THE SHIP, RISES OVER IT.
THE CAPTAIN
What's that?
UNCLE GABBY
It's just a giant Trident.
THE CAPTAIN AND GABBY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
THE CAPTAIN
And that?
A TERRIBLY ANGRY POSEIDON RISES OVER THE SHIP, COVERED IN
DRIPPING RAT CARCASSES.
UNCLE GABBY
It's just a giant Angry God.
UNCLE GABBY AND THE CAPTAIN BOTH "ULP".
EXT. THE PIRATE SHIP - DAY
POSEIDON HAS GABBY AND THE CAPTAIN CLUTCHED IN HIS HAND.
POSEIDON
Who dares throw puking rats into my
sea!
UNCLE GABBY
It was the Captain's Daughter!
POSEIDON SKEWERS HER ON HIS SPEAR. SHE SCREAMS.
THE CAPTAIN
Hey!
UNCLE GABBY
I'll make it up to you!
POSEIDON
Who else!
UNCLE GABBY
Ummm... no one else?
POSEIDON
Disagree!
POSEIDON STARTS SMASHING THE SHIP APART WITH HIS TRIDENT.
EXT. THE OPEN SEA - DAY
DRINKY CROW FLIES TOWARD THE SHIP, HIS VISION IS CLEAR, HE
FLIES STRAIGHT AND TRUE.
DRINKY CROW
This is the first morning I've woken
up without a hangover in years. I
didn't know the
air could taste this
fresh.
DRINKY CROW STARTS PEEING.
DRINKY CROW (CONT'D)
And look, not a hint of blood in my
urine! Things are going to be alright.
THERE ARE SMASHING SOUNDS.
DRINKY CROW LOOKS UP AND SEES POSEIDON SMASHING THE SHIP.
DRINKY CROW (CONT'D)
Captain! Uncle Gabby!
UNCLE GABBY (O.S.)
Drinky Crow save us!
DRINKY CROW FLIES UP TO POSEIDON'S HAND, WHERE GABBY AND THE
CAPTAIN ARE TRAPPED.
DRINKY CROW
I don't know how. I'm using all of my
sober powers to think, and I can't
think of any way to beat the God of
the Sea!
THE CAPTAIN
Oh, Uncle Gabby he's right, you'd have
to be drunk out of your mind to take
on a God!
DRINKY CROW
Drunk out of my mind...
DRINKY CROW LOOKS DOWN AND SEES BOTTLES OF BOOZE ROLLING
AROUND ON THE SHIP.
THEN HE LOOKS TO HIS LEFT AND SEES HIS A GHOSTLY IMAGE OF HIS
WIFE AND SON.
DRINKY CROW'S WIFE
Hey Drinky Crow, come back to your
family, I threw out all your frozen
pizzas to make room for my tampons.
DRINKY CROW'S SON
Hey daddy! When I grow up I either
want to be a used car salesman, or a
casting agent!
DRINKY CROW
I know what I have to do.
DRINKY CROW DIVE BOMBS INTO THE BOOZE ROLLING AROUND ON THE
DECK, AND DRINKS IT ALL AS THE BOTTLES SHATTER.
POSEIDON TURNS ANGRILY TOWARD DRINKY CROW. HE SNARLS.
DRINKY CROW WOBBLES AS HE STANDS UPRIGHT.
POSEIDON LAUGHS VICIOUSLY.
DRINKY CROW'S EYES TURN TO X'S.
POSEIDON'S FACIAL EXPRESSION CHANGES, FOR A MOMENT HE SHOWS
FEAR.
DRINKY CROW'S MOUTH GAPES OPEN, REVEALING HIS RAZOR SHARP
TEETH.
POSEIDON HOLDS UP HIS HAND TO SHIELD HIS FACE.
DRINKY CROW (CONT'D)
Sensai say, without fear, there is
only will. And where there is pure
will, there shall be VICTORY.
DRINKY CROW POLISHES OFF THE LAST OF TWO BOTTLES OF BOOZE,
CRACKS THEM AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE SHIP, AND FLIES SCREAMING
THROUGH THE AIR TOWARD POSEIDON.
POSEIDON DROPS UNCLE GABBY AND THE CAPTAIN INTO THE SEA AS
DRINKY CROW RELENTLESSLY STABS HIM WITH THE BROKEN BOOZE
BOTTLES.
DRINKY CROW (CONT'D)
Sai!
STAB!
DRINKY CROW (CONT'D)
Sai!
STAB!
DRINKY CROW (CONT'D)
Sai-Yeeee!
DRINKY CROW CUTS OFF A POSEIDON'S LEFT BREAST AND CLUTCHES IT
IN HIS BEAK AND SMACKS POSEIDON ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
POSEIDON CLUTCHES HIS CHEST AND CRIES OPENLY.
POSEIDON
You're mean! I'm telling!
DRINKY CROW
Telling who? You're a God, there's no
one higher than you to tell!
POSEIDON
Well! It takes one to know one!
POSEIDON DIVES BACK INTO THE SEA.
EXT. THE PIRATE SHIP - AFTERNOON
THE CAPTAIN AND UNCLE GABBY WALK AROUND THE DECK AS DRINKY
CROW LAYS ON THE GROUND GULPING DOWN BOOZE.
UNCLE GABBY
Poseidon's gone, and we're finally
safe from his terrible sea anger!
THE CAPTAIN
Except for my daughter, whose body was
stabbed to pieces by his rage.
UNCLE GABBY
Oh yeah, totally my bad. You want the
rest of my submarine sandwich?
UNCLE GABBY HOLDS OUT HIS SUB SANDWICH.
THE CAPTAIN
No, what's done is done. The important
thing now is we go about the business
of righting the ship, and honoring
Drinky Crow for his heroism. Isn't
that right Drinky Crow.
DRINKY CROW
I wish something would kill me.
UNCLE GABBY
Drinky Crow! You're your old self
again. Yay! This calls for a
celebration.
DRINKY CROW
Life is a dark empty pit.
UNCLE GABBY
A dark, empty pit in which we're about
to get this party started!
UNCLE GABBY GRABS SOME OF THE RATS, THE CAPTAIN SITS DOWN AT
HIS ORGAN AND PLAYS A HOT TECHNO BEAT.
UNCLE GABBY (CONT'D)
Come on rats! It's party time!
HE STICKS TWO OF THEM TO HIS BREAST, AND THEY SUCKLE, THEN
PULLS OUT A GUN AND POINTS IT AT THE RATS FORCING THEM TO
DANCE AROUND DRINKY CROW WHO CONTINUES TO LIE PRONE, CHUGGING
FROM HIS BOTTLE.
THE CAPTAIN SPINS AT HIS ORGAN, AND PIECES OF HIS DAUGHTER
FALL FROM THE MAST. HER LEG FALLS ON TWO OF THE RATS,
CRUSHING THEM.
THE CAPTAIN SPINS AT HIS ORGAN AGAIN.
THE END
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.