INFANTICIDE DIVISION: THE RUDE AND CODY FILES
INT. A LAVISH OFFICE - DAY
HIGH ABOVE THE CITY, BABY BURKOWITZ LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR,
SMOKING A THICK CIGAR AND EYEING DETECTIVES RUDE AND CODY.
RUDE
So where are the drugs Burkowitz?
BABY BURKOWITZ
Not in the bear. I know that for a
fact.
ON THE FAR END OF BABY BURKOWITZ' DESK IS A STUFFED TEDDY
BEAR WITH ONE EYE MISSING. NEEDLES ARE STICKING OUT OF THE
BEAR, AND COCAINE IS POURING OUT OF ITS MOUTH AND ONTO THE
FLOOR.
RUDE
Oh, yeah? You're sure they're not in
the bear.
BABY BURKOWITZ
I'm very sure.
RUDE
How bout we look in that bear?
BABY BURKOWITZ
I'd rather you didn't.
RUDE
Maybe we will look in that bear.
BABY BURKOWITZ
I wish you wouldn't.
RUDE
Why not, what's to hide?
BABY BURKOWITZ
I'm not hiding anything, I just like
the shit out of that bear.
CODY
We know you've got the drugs!
BABY BURKOWITZ
What are drugs?
CODY
I will bleeping kill you.
RUDE
Cody, down boy!
CODY
I will put on acid lipstick and kiss
your skull!
RUDE
Cody!
BABY BURKOWITZ
You better push a leash on that
doberman, Detective.
RUDE
The only leash I'm putting on
anything, is on the collar. The collar
I pin on you Burkowitz. Now tell me,
where are the drugs?
BABY BURKOWITZ
Why don't you ask drugs?
RUDE
Oh, you're good Baby Burkowitz, you're
good I'll give you that. But you
haven't heard the last of Rude and
Cody.
RUDE TURNS TO LEAVE, HE GRABS CODY AND DRAGS HIM WITH HIM.
CODY IS PUTTING ON ACID LIPSTICK. HIS LIPS ARE SMOKING.
CODY
Ow! Oh, God it burns!
RUDE
What the hell are you doing?
CODY
It's the only way!
RUDE
Come on Cody, we'll have our chance!
RUDE DRAGS CODY OUT OF THE OFFICE.
BABY BURKOWITZ
Do either of you want some drugs?
RUDE
What was that?
BABY BURKOWITZ
Nothing.
RUDE
Don't be fresh!
INT. THE SQUAD CAR - DAY
RUDE AND CODY ARE IN BABY SEATS IN THE SQUAD CAR. RUDE IS
DRIVING. CODY'S LIPS ARE BANDAGED AND BURNT.
CODY
I feel like we should have looked in
that bear.
RUDE
Don't hold onto the past, you don't
want a heavy heart.
CODY
Detective Rude! Burkowitz has to go
down! He's poisoning the city!
RUDE
But he's powerful Cody, if his dick
were his power, his dick would stand
ten feet high. And the sound coming
from it would shatter the sky.
RUDE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW, IT BEGINS TO RAIN.
RUDE (CONT'D)
Such a fragile veil, between us and
the stars.
THE RAIN DRIVES HEAVIER, DROWNING OUT THE SOUNDS OF TRAFFIC
AND COMMERCE.
INT. CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY'S OFFICE - DAY
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY SLAMS THE DESK.
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY
I can't believe you didn't check the
bear!
RUDE
We didn't have a warrant for the bear!
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY
Screw protocal! You go with your gut!
CODY
I told you so!
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY
Zip that lip Detective Cody!
CODY
I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch
myself!
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY
You can't kill him Cody, you don't
have a kill warrant.
CODY
Damnit!
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY
As angry as I am Detective Rude is
right, Baby Burkowitz is a big fish,
and when you're fishing for big fish,
you've got to fish following the
rules.
RUDE
I know you're upset Captain.
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY
I'm so mad I'm sitting in my own shit,
and I'm not going to move. If
anything, I'm just going to shit more.
RUDE
We'll get him Captain, I've got a
plan.
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY
You had best.
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY RAISES UP IN HIS CHAIR.
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY
(CONT'D)
Get me my secretary, I want her to see
all this shit.
INT. SECRETARY NANCY'S DESK - DAY
SECRETARY NANCY IS AN ADULT, AS ARE ALL THE BACKGROUND
CHARACTERS AT THE STATION. WE CAN'T SEE HER FACE, ADULTS ARE
ONLY SHOWN UP TO THEIR NECKS. NANCY IS DRESSED IN A LIGHT
BLUE TOP AND A BLACK BUSINESS
SKIRT, HER CLEAVAGE IS
PROMINENT AND A LITTLE BIT OF HER BRA IS SHOWING FROM THE TOP
OF HER SHIRT.
CODY
So Nancy, what are you doing tonight?
SECRETARY NANCY
Nothin', Coooody.
CODY
Wanna change that nothin', into
somethin'?
SECRETARY NANCY
Like what, Coooody?
CODY
Like making out with me until your
face breaks?
RUDE WALKS UP.
RUDE
The Captain wants you to go in his
office and look at his shit.
SECRETARY NANCY
Comin' Captain!
NANCY GETS UP AND WALKS INTO THE OFFICE.
CODY
Why you gotta ruin my game?
RUDE
We've got a job to do Cody, you can't
be concentrating on your libido.
CODY
I woulda broke you off a lil'
somethin' somethin'.
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY (O.S.)
It's like you're at Sea World except
all the sea is shit!
THE CAPTAIN BELLOWS A HEARTY LAUGH.
SECRETARY NANCY
Oh God. Can I leave now?
CAPTAIN BABY ANTHONY
Not till I'm done. And I'll never be
done!
INT. THE SQUAD CAR - DAY
CODY IS GETTING OUT OF HIS BABY SEAT.
RUDE
Get back in your baby seat!
CODY
Why? I hate it!
RUDE
Its the law, goddamnit!
CODY
Why are you so goddamn by the book?
RUDE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
THE YEAR IS 1985. RUDE'S MOTHER IS STANDING AT AN
INTERSECTION WITH RUDE IN A STROLLER. SHE IS STARING AT THE
"DO NOT CROSS LIGHT", WAITING FOR IT TO TURN TO "CROSS".
SHE CHECKS HER WATCH.
THE "DO NOT CROSS" LIGHT IS STILL LIT.
SHE LOOKS AROUND, AGITATED.
THE LIGHT IS STILL "DO NOT CROSS"
RUDE'S MOTHER HUFFS AND WALKS INTO THE INTERSECTION.
SHE IS IMMEDIATELY HIT BY CARS FROM EVERY DIRECTION. RUDE
GOES FLYING OUT OF HIS BABY CARRIAGE, A COP SEES HIM PITCH
OUT OF THE STROLLER, TAKES OFF HIS COP HAT, AND HOLDS IT OUT.
BABY RUDE LANDS GENTLY IN THE COP HAT.
HE LOOKS UP AT THE OFFICER WITH HIS GIANT BABY EYES.
COP
There, there little man. It's going to
be all right. It's going to be alright
for all of time.
RUDE DROOLS HAPPILY, GURGLES, AND SMILES UP AT THE COP.
THE COP GIVES HIM A BULLET TO SUCKLE ON.
COP (CONT'D)
That could pierce the skin of a rhino.
RUDE GIGGLES. THE COP SMILES DOWN AT BABY RUDE.
HIPPY (O.S.)
Oh, shit I'm out of my mind on weed
and flag burning, what did I hit with
my car?
CUT TO:
INT. THE SQUAD CAR - MOMENTS LATER
RUDE LOOKS BACK TOWARD THE ROAD.
RUDE
And that was over 40 years ago.
CODY
Fine, I'll stay in my seaty seat.
CODY CROSSES HIS ARMS AND LOOKS UPSET.
RUDE
Cody, think about Baby Burkowitz,
think about the lives he's ruined with
his drugs.
CUT TO:
INT. A HOLLYWOOD PARTY - NIGHT
TRENDY, HAPPY YOUNG PEOPLE ARE SITTING AROUND A TABLE SMOKING
WEED AND CUTTING LINES.
HAPPY YOUNG MALE
I just got into law school!
HAPPY YOUNG MALE 2
What helped you get there?
HAPPY YOUNG MALE
It was this cocaine, it helped me stay
up all night to pass the bar!
HAPPY YOUNG WOMAN
Where'd you get it?
HAPPY YOUNG MALE
The same place we get all our drugs!
Baby Burkowitz!
A YOUNG WELL DRESSED WOMAN WALKS IN WITH A VIAL OF OPIUM.
HAPPY YOUNG WOMAN
I was out back smoking this opium, and
it made me realize, we should get
married, the proper way, in a church.
HAPPY YOUNG MALE
Weed and Vicadin brought me to that
conclusion earlier!
THEY HUG.
HAPPY YOUNG MALE 2
I figured out a way to convert
gasoline into ozone!
HAPPY YOUNG WOMAN
The Earth is saved!
THEY ALL HUG.
CUT TO:
INT. THE SQUAD CAR - MOMENTS LATER
RUDE IS GRIPPING THE STEERING WHEEL.
RUDE
I get furious just thinking about it.
THEY PULL UP TO A DRIVE THRU WHERE THE DRIVE THRU IS A
MOTHERLY BREAST.
RUDE LEANS OUT THE WINDOW AND GIVES SUCK. HE BITES DOWN.
DRIVE THRU
Ow!
RUDE LEANS BACK IN.
RUDE
Sorry, baby, I've got the blues.
THE BREASTS WOBBLE WHEN THEY SPEAK.
DRIVE THRU
Mama understands. Sometimes you gotta
hurt mama, to help you.
RUDE LOOKS OVER AT CODY.
RUDE
You want anything?
CODY
I want to get Burkowitz.
RUDE SMILES, A TRICKLE OF MILK ROLLS DOWN HIS CHIN.
RUDE
Good, then this is what we do.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DRIVE THRU - MOMENTS LATER
THE CAR DRIVES AWAY.
THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE CAR COMING BACK AROUND.
THE CAR PULLS BACK INTO THE DRIVE THRU.
RUDE REACHES OUT AND SLAPS THE BREASTS.
THEY DRIVE AWAY.
INT. A LAVISH OFFICE - DAY
BABY BURKOWITZ IS LEANING BACK IN HIS CHAIR. HE HAS AN OPEN
SUITCASE OF COCAINE ON THE TABLE.
THERE IS A KNOCK ON HIS DOOR.
BABY BURKOWITZ
Come in, Secretary.
THE DOOR OPENS, NANCY WALKS IN, SHE IS VERY SEXILY DRESSED.
IN THAT SHE IS WEARING HER ORDINARY WORK CLOTHES BUT WITH THE
CROTCH CUT OUT. HER GENITALS ARE BLURRED.
BABY BURKOWITZ (CONT'D)
You're not my secretary.
NANCY
No honey, I'm not, I'm someone else
altogether.
BABY BURKOWITZ
Oh yeah?
BABY BURKOWITZ PULLS OUT A GUN.
BABY BURKOWITZ (CONT'D)
You've got ten seconds to make me
trust you.
NANCY
I opened the door with my vagina.
BABY BURKOWITZ PUTS DOWN THE GUN.
BABY BURKOWITZ
Come in. Come in.
NANCY CLOSES THE DOOR WITH HER VAGINA, WITHOUT MOVING. THIS
CONSISTS OF THE BLUR EFFECT WHERE HER CROTCH IS MOVING TO THE
DOOR AND CLOSING IT.
BABY BURKOWITZ WHISTLES.
BABY BURKOWITZ (CONT'D)
So what can I do for you little lady?
NANCY
I got an itch that needs scratching.
BABY BURKOWITZ
And where do you have that itch?
NANCY
All over my vagina.
NANCY LEANS ON THE TABLE. SHE REACHES OUT AND STROKES BABY
BURKOWITZ' HAIR.
THE CROTCH BLUR REACHES OUT, ALLURINGLY, AND STROKES HIS HAIR
AS WELL.
WHILE NANCY IS STROKING HIS HAIR SHE TRIES TO LEAVE A
TRACKING DEVICE BEHIND HIS EAR.
HE GRABS HER HAND.
BABY BURKOWITZ
I hope, for your sake, Rude and Cody
get here soon.
HE SQUEEZES HER HAND. SHE SCREAMS.
INT. THE SQUAD CAR - DAY
THE SCREAM COMES THROUGH LOUD AND CLEAR OVER RUDE'S INTERCOM.
RUDE
Let's roll!
THEY BOTH TRY TO UNBUCKLE THEMSELVES FROM THEIR CAR SEATS,
AND ARE HAVING A HARD TIME.
CODY
Don't worry Nancy! We're coming!
CODY PULLS OUT A GUN AND AIMS IT AT HIS CAR SEAT BELT BUCKLE.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE SQUAD CAR - MOMENTS LATER
TWO SHOTS RING OUT.
INT. A LAVISH OFFICE - DAY
RUDE KICKS OPEN THE DOOR. BOTH HE AND CODY ARE HOLDING THEIR
STOMACHS, BLOOD IS POURING OUT.
NANCY
Rude, Cody! Save me!
BABY BURKOWITZ
What happened to your stomachs?
RUDE
I don't want to talk about it!
RUDE SHOOTS CODY A LOOK.
CODY
I said I was sorry!
RUDE
Let Nancy go!
BABY BURKOWITZ
But I don't have Nancy held hostage.
BABY BURKOWITZ HOLDS OUT A LARGE METAL PINCER, THAT SNAPS AT
NANCY.
RUDE
None of your games Burkowitz.
BABY BURKOWITZ
What are games?
CODY
(Whispering.)
He might be too brilliant to be
defeated.
RUDE
He's not too brilliant to be defeated.
BABY BURKOWITZ
What is brilliance?
RUDE
Because he didn't take into account
the fatal flaw in his master plan.
BABY BURKOWITZ
Did too!
RUDE
Did not!
CODY
What's the fatal flaw?
RUDE
Litigation!
A TEAM OF LAWYERS POOR INTO THE ROOM. SOME BABY, SOME ADULT.
BABY BURKOWITZ
What is this?
RUDE
This is the end Burkowitz.
THE LAWYER IN FRONT KEEPS PUSHING PAPERS AT BABY BURKOWITZ.
BABY BURKOWITZ
Stop that. Stop that what are you
doing? Stop that!
BABY BURKOWITZ SNATCHES THE PAPERS FROM HIM.
HEAD LAWYER
Booyah! You just got sah-Herved!
THE LAWYERS HIGH FIVE, THEN IMMEDIATELY RESUME THEIR STOIC
POSITIONS.
LAWYER IN CROWD OF LAWYERS
(Under his breath.)
My man!
BABY BURKOWITZ
No.....no.
BABY BURKOWITZ LOOKS TO THE SKY, CRUSHING THE PAPERS IN HIS
FISTS.
BABY BURKOWITZ (CONT'D)
Noooooooooooo!
INT. THE SQUAD CAR - DAY
RUDE AND CODY DRIVE, RUDE'S BABY SEAT BUCKLE IS UNDONE, HE
LEANS OUT THE WINDOW CALMLY, WIND RIPPLING THROUGH HIS HAIR.
RUDE
You see, I knew he would kidnap Nancy.
CODY
You put her in harms way?
RUDE
I knew he wouldn't hurt her until we
got there, its just like Baby
Burkowitz to build some elaborate
scheme. And I knew that when he did
the lawyers would be able to argue
that his crime was premeditated.
CODY
Brilliant.
THEY STOP AT A RED LIGHT.
RUDE
And now he's sailing right up the
river, and our citizens can once again
walk the city's streets in safety.
COP (O.S.)
Hey kid! Drop that gun!
KID (O.S.)
This isn't a gun, sir, its an Abba
Zabba!
A GROUP OF FOUR COPS BEAT A BLACK KID WITH THEIR BILLY CLUBS.
CODY
Another successful day on the force.
RUDE
Don't I know it.
CODY
Although I wish I would stop bleeding.
RUDE AND CODY'S BANDAGES ARE SEEPING THROUGH WITH BLOOD.
RUDE
Me too, Cody, me too.
THEY DRIVE INTO THE SUNSET, SLOWLY DECELERATING, AND THEN RUN
INTO STOP SIGN AT 5 MILES AN HOUR, DOING NO DAMAGE. THEIR
CAR'S HORN BLARES AND BLARES.
THE END
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